Chapter 12: A Crushed Secret Love (1)

The days passed like this, one by one.

Every Tuesday, I could eat lunch with my destined husband. Even though I received satirical remarks from my dormmates on smearing on lipstick before going to lunch, I still tirelessly insisted on it. To purposely display my nautiness and my wise and virtuous lady side, I would leave a grain of rice on my mouth, waiting for Xiao Xi to personally cup my face, and lightly wipe it of, as he persuaded me and pampered me: “Even when you eat you’re so restless”, but Xiao Xi even more pretended that it was invisible. Without any better option, I could only wipe my own mouth clean, otherwise, he would directly say a line of 'Your mouth has a grain of rice at the 2:00 position', and force me to manifest my IQ.

Every Wednesday morning, at computer class, I could also see Ru Ting and Fang Yuke become two back figures together, as they sat next to me, adhering rigidly to the arrangements. I really admired Fang Yuke that rascal, a computer expert, who could actually sleep at 8:00 pm which was the prime opportunity to listen to computer introductions and so on of basic courses. So boring! They wanted me to go to a first grade elementary course. Even if you kill me I won’t do it. Of course, besides the International mathematical Olympiad, love’s magic was indeed boundless! But, too many times, I would lean forward as soon as the teacher started talking. The moment he announced that class was dismissed, I would wake up. My biological clock was adjusted so much more punctual than the electronic ringtones. I also did not need to worry that I would hear any corny words between them.

In two weeks, it would be time for finals. I resumed my state of mind like before the college entrance exam: Maybe I could get full marks, maybe I didn’t need to pass an exam or test. But, to let the former first year probability university student, I prepared to decrease the time I went online. Furthermore, for the first time, I displayed my library certificate’s use--these twp weels. O would go to the library to pass the time. After all, my number one mission was to not get kicked out. Right now, another layer had been added to the significance of quitting school. It signified that Xiao Xi and I would not be able to meet again.

When I walked into the library for my self study time, I was suddenly frightened. What situation was this? The individual study room was packed with people. Everyone had a pile of materials by their hands, by their materials were usually two adornments of outer space cups. Even if some people left, it would be hard to defeat using a pile of review materials to occupy the seat by force, as to prevent being driven away in the middle of the library room. It seemed that everyone had all began their prolonged war. The tests hadn’t even arrived yet when people planned to never move out of the library room.Unless everyone was all clasping the Buddha’s feet when danger arose**? I couldn’t help but feel a little elated. If everyone was all this confused, then my odds had increased greatly. Hehe. I won’t seize the high strategic ground with these people. Everyone doesn’t have it easy, so I won’t enter anyone’s hell.

临时抱佛脚: Clasping the Buddha’s feet when danger arises (idiom; fig. To profess devotion only when in trouble. Basically means cramming, in this instance.

I turned,k preparing to leave. But when I took my first step, I felt a certain person’s exclusive scent. Xiao Xi--- was at the 2:00 position above me, but besides him at the 2:00 position, there was also a girl.

The girl’s sixth sense was very alert. Even though I didn’t really have a weak six sense, based off of the keeness of my intution and guessing on multiple choice questions, this girl’s relationship with Xiao Xi was not ordinary.

Really, I didn’t need to use my intuition. I could see it with my naked eye. I saw Xiao Xi knead her temples for her. At her ear, he whispered something quietly.I finally saw all the hope and expecation of a semester of Xiao Xi’s pampering and indulging expression.That was the sunshine on the snow mountain. It was very tranquil, very pure, very auspicious, very perfect. What a pity, what a pity, the partner was not me……

I continued to turn my body, almost like someone who didn’t have anything to do. While I was en route, I also met a few classmates who laughed and greeted them, while cursing the perverted exam methods. I happily said goodbye to them, and left the library.

At the public square on December, there was no wind, but the sun shone brightly. I still felt that the warm air did not have the outdoor’s bone-chilling/penetrating objects that made me feel uncomfortable.I lifted my head and looked at the sky. The sun harmlessly hung from the 2:00 position. I was a litle angry and extended a finger to scold it: “Don’t look innocent. Why do you want to be at that position? You come down for me. This old lady hates the 2:00 position the most.” After I finished, I even had a confused air. I began to run towards the 2:00 position, madly. Before, I had always hated running, but this time, I felt that running was really a great matter. I could feel the wind blowing by my ears, as the damp things in my eyes left, wind-borne. I only wanted to breathe, big mouthful by mouthful. I didn’t need to go care about the past or now, or who was breathing in whose ear at this moment. I only wanted to care about my throbbing heart. I didn’t need to care about who it was throbbing for, and I didn’t need to care about what it was suffering over.

I ran slower and slower as my physical strength gradually could not endure it any longer and I collapsed on a desk chair. The school end of term’s unnamed lakes had not yet formed into pairs of sweethearts. The quiet was like it was very late at night. The wintery landscapes were a little dreary and attacking. Occasionally, there would be some sparrows that flew by my side. This bird was probably used to people coming and going, as it unexpectedly, recklessly stopped on my shoulder. I laughed, someone was beside me, pretty great. At least, I wasn’t that lonely. By and by, there was a time when I raised a cat in Yannan. I raised a cat with eyes like Xiao Xi’s eyes.Xiao Xi’s eyes were like Wan Wan**’s crescent moon eyes whenever he squinted. Sometimes, it would be joined with a languid facial feature that followed closely with a cat. I wiped my face and curled my body up.

Wan Wan- Taiwanese cartoonist. Picture here: https://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E5%BD%8E%E5%BD%8E

I suddenly wished I could hug someone, and tell me: “Don’t be afraid Lin Lin. Don’t be afraid. Then I could put my head into the other person’s shoulder, and cry and shout, despite the fact that I had been denounced by Xiao Xi and abandoned. I would even loudly declare that I, Zhou Lin lin still had not fell in love, when I lost my love!

I felt very mournful. I really wouldn’t stir up the time. If it was not the end of the term that I had lost my love, I could even go up into my dorm and drink some wine with them, drinking until I became confused. Maybe my heart would no longer be as suffocated or panicky. Right now, the few people in my dormitory were all reviewing. This girl’s love story had developed, so I wouldn’t go bother them. I sighed, and even reflected over my intellect in this way. Sure enough, I was the unequalled King Kong beautiful young lady!

I rose and tidied up, and began to drag my heavy legs south. Just now, I had run like an experienced sturdy person. My calvs were a little sore, my mouth had been irrigated by the wind until acid surged up into my whole row of teeth. Really, this was my self-sin. Before, when I watched TV, and a female lead lost her love, she would be self oppressive. She would either not eat, not drink water, or change into a successful able woman, who worked energetically for the prosperity of the country and go. But when I really came across this situation, I just realized that being self-approsive was not that great. Injuring was not that conservative. My spirit was a little injured but it would not be because of my body that the pain lessened. Right now, my heart felt stifleduntil it became paniced. My head hurt a lot. I began to regret what I did a moment ago. I should have found a corner to cry and that would be enough. Why did I go learn stick theatrical work? Unless, I even wanted to stare into the eyes of a goldfish and say to Xiao Xi: “Oppa, please return.”

But today, so much things had happened today that had a remembering significance. I still planned to go to Wu Mei to buy some cans of beer. I wanted to finish some good bottles of beer. I would even take it as my own heart had died at this prospect, and steadily study my books as I strove hard to forge my own successful career. Even though able women were greater than just a woman, and less than a male, on the whole this was equivalent to a transsexual species. But ot was better than having nothing to do and having my soul swimming around and drifting in the wind.

By the sales counter, when a line formed to pay the bill, Ru Ting and fang Yuke appeared.

The me right now hated lovers before my eyes, arriving and going. To me, this was even more showing off than saying anything of provocation.

Ru Ting had obviously not seen my hostility and still laughed and waved to me: “Lin Lin, this is so coincidental~~”

I hated this way of greeting, which made me think of my silly appearance when I swirled around Xiao Xi and said “So coincidental”, if there wasn’t that type of coincidence, I would not have eaten with Xiao Xi every week, and I would not have so many vain attempts, and I would not feel as if my heart was cut out at this present moment**.

心如刀割: To feel as if ones heart is being cut out (idiom). Fig. to be torn with grief.

So I bitingly said, “Right, God doesn’t care. The school is so big, but everyone I bump into just happens to be the same few people.”

Ru Ting was a little awkward. It was probably that the arrogant her had never felt this uncordial greeting. She innocently blinked with her big eyes at Fang Yuke.

I didn’t feel like paying attention to them. Right now, I didn’t even want to pay attention to me, so why would I even care about other people? Things of restoring relationships, could be said tomorrow. Today, I only wanted to live in the moment**.

To live in the moment (idiom). To live every day as if it were one’s last. To live while one can.

Fang Yuke was sure enough a family with Ru Ting. He grabbed my elbow: “You perfectly ate explosive material all right?”

I coldly laughed, and lowered my head as I said to the troops in front of me, lightly cursing: “A nutjob couple.”

In fact my voice was not that light, and Fang Yuke distinctly looked stumped for words. I had always had buried my head in the sand** about affairs, thinking that I was the only person who could hear when in fact, everyone had already heard.Before, I oviously knew that Xiao Xi didn’t have any male-female thinkings towards me, I obviously knew that he would sometimes pick up his phone and would have a lover when his expressions, gentle and soft expressions would appear. I could not pretend that they could not hear me, or see me. Right now I had flipped over my majong tile, spilling the beans. In fact, this was put in front of me, so bare, but only now could I force myself to confront it, and give up.

Fang Yuke’s oppressive voice came through my ear: “You apologize.” His voice was not like Xiao Xi’s voice. Xiao Xi’s voice had probably gotten damaged when his voice was changing because his voice had experienced harm. His voice was more like cawing. But, it did not affect his magnetic charm the least bit; as for Fang Yuke’s voice, it was more masculine and wide, suiting the average midnight broadcaster who specialized in being used for soothing emotional wounds like a suffering husband’s extramarital affair and a wound from menopause in women.

When i thought of this, I could not help but laugh.

Fang Yuke flushed with anger, but he still said to me: “You apologize.”

Isn’t it just that your wife is mad? You rascal that pays more attention to a lover than friends**! But, today, I have already been enough pitiful. I don’t care about being more pitiful. I turned my body and faced them and bowed: “I’ve let you down!”

I didn’t have time to see their expressions, when I quickly turned around and saw that the sales counter was right in front of me. I put down the items in the shopping frames and collapsed on top, as I began to fish out my wallet from my backpack. My backpack was very heavy and messy. A pile of snacks that were in a hideous mess and reference books. Where was my wallet? I saw my tears, right then, dripping, drop by drop into the bag. Today was extremely discouraged. I went to the library, but I was met with a declaration that the person I liked had a lover. The person who usually treated me as an idiot and called me by that name forced me to apologize because I called him a “Nutjob”. I had been in line for so long, just wanting to buy some alcoholic products and get drunk, when there was actually no wallet.

I used my hand to wipe my face and laughed as I said to the cashier: “Sorry, I didn’t bring my money, can I return these items?” I thought that it was definitley unsightly, otherwise why would the waiter be so alarmed and shake his head.

I mischievously laughed: “Thank you.”

The whole journey, I ran out madly, running back to my dormitory, to find my wallet, and then running back to the school gates to get on a taxi. I told the driver to go to Sanlitun Bar Street.”

At that time, I didn’t know that Haidian, this place, also had a bar. The Beijing in my mind, besides Houhai, there was only Sanlitun left. I could only hope to find a place with wine, and go implement my dream of enjoying life while I could.

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