Chapter 1: Keyboard Warrior starvecleric's Thoughts

Keyboard Immortal

Ow ow ow ow!! He felt pain in every inch of his body, and the stench of burnt flesh drifted past his nose. Wait a sec! What’s going on?

Zu An clearly remembered that just a few seconds ago, he was engaging in an argument with a bunch of people on an internet forum. Even though it was raining and thundering outside his room, none of that had interfered with his furious typing skills one whit. He had been trolling the absolute shit out of all those people, insulting them to the point of speechlessness… ahem, which is to say, he was persuading them through appeals to their sense of decency.

And then, there had been a huge explosion of lighting and thunder. A basketball-sized clump of lightning had suddenly drifted inside his window. He remembered how it had glowed in midair, emanating that strange, hazy red light.

And then? Zu An remembered hearing an absolute miserable scream ringing out, followed by a sensation that was absolutely indescribable. He vaguely recalled seeing the keyboard in front of him vaporize into dust, followed by his hands (which had been placed on the keyboard) vanishing as well. More and more of him had been vaporized, until finally… everything became a blank.

Was I just hit by lightning? What the hell was that thing? Ball lightning? As a highly qualified keyboard warrior, he had naturally read up on these phenomena before. He was naturally quick-witted, and instead of feeling frightened, he felt a sense of excitement and eagerness. Holy shit! Have I gained superpowers? Maybe I’m going to turn into the Flash! Or maybe even Captain Atom?

He struggled to open his eyes, but everything in front of him was a blur. He couldn’t tell where he was at all. Suddenly, a stabbing pain radiated into him from his fingertips. He hurriedly turned to look downwards… and at this time, he suddenly saw something before him.

He wasn’t sure if he was ‘seeing’ with his eyes or with his mind, but in front of his fingers was a floating keyboard. It looked identical to the keyboard he normally used, with the only difference being that all the keys looked incredibly gray and lifeless. He reached out with a finger to test the keys out, but none of the keys would budge at all. It was as though all of them were completely locked in place.

“You have successfully bound the ‘Keyboard Warrior’ account. Upon fulfilling the necessary conditions, the relevant abilities shall be unlocked.” An icy voice suddenly reverberated in Zu An’s mind, scaring the crap out of him.

What the hell? Zu An thought to himself. Why can’t I be the Flash, Spiderman, Iron Man, or something cool like that? Although the ‘Keyboard Warrior’ title kinda fits my personality, it feels… weird.

“So what do I need to do to unlock these abilities?” Zu An hurriedly asked.

“Collect the secret manuals from this world’s Twelve Unknowable Regions and then embed them into the F1 through F12 function keys. Each time you collect a manual, you’ll unlock a corresponding ability,” the icy voice replied.

Only then did Zu An notice that the various function keys on his keyboard were covered with some strange runes. Apparently, these were meant to correspond to those twelve so-called secret manuals.

“Good luck, Keyboard Warrior!” After these final words, the keyboard suddenly began to fold in on itself until it transformed into a shadow that then shot into his fingertip.

Zu An hurriedly said, “Wait a second! What the hell are the ‘Twelve Unknowable Regions’, and how am I supposed to find these secret manuals?” But no matter how he shouted, the icy voice no longer responded to him. By now, that mysterious keyboard had completely vanished as well.

Zu An wanted to cuss. This is bullshit. A keyboard? All the people in the stories get to start with something cool, like the Midas touch and stuff. Why do I have to start with everything locked and work my way until it’s all unlocked? And just from the sound of it, the ‘Twelve Unknowable Regions’ sound incredibly dangerous, and I doubt they’ll just hand out secret manuals freely. And I need to get twelve of them?! This is fucking bullshit!

The hazy area around him slowly began to vanish as well. He could feel sunlight returning to the world, and could even vaguely make out the sounds of others speaking nearby.

“Now that was odd. There’s not a cloud in the sky. Where did the lightning come from? It makes no sense.”

“This guy’s probably done so many bad things that the heavens themselves have finally gotten sick of him.”

“Hey, isn’t that the useless son-in-law of the Chu clan? He should have thanked his lucky stars that a fairy maiden like Chu First Miss would fall for him, but was he? No! I heard that last night, his wedding night, he actually snuck into his sister-in-law’s bed!”

“Holy hell! He’s planning on bagging both of them?”

“Ehehehe. Plenty of guys like to eye their sister-in-law’s, after all.”

“No wonder he got hit by lightning! Serves him right!”

“Pity about that lovely Chu First Miss, though. So young, but already a widow.”

“Shh! The Chu clan might hear you gossiping. They are searching everywhere for this animal.”

Zu An was completely confused by what he was hearing. What is this nonsense? And what the hell is going on in the world? Everyone’s just watching, but no one’s even called for an ambulance. When I get better, I’m going to expose all of them and their shameless actions on social media!

“Out of the way! The coroner’s arrived,” someone shouted out.

Coroner?! Zu An was stunned. Shouldn’t they call a doctor? Are they shooting a historical drama here?

Moments later, he felt someone crouch down by his side, then begin poking and prodding at him. A voice then said, “The corpse’s head is sallow, while his body is charred black. His hands are balled loosely, while his mouth is wide and his eyes are open. His body is covered with red and purple streaks, but his flesh seems unharmed. He has indeed died as a result of a lightning strike.”

Zu An was both nervous and angry upon hearing this. Dying was one thing, but dying in such an ugly fashion was simply unforgivable. He somehow mustered up the strength sit up and bellow, “HEY! Can you put some makeup on me first before you all start taking pictures?”

“ZOMBIE!!!” All the people surrounding him suddenly screamed in unison.

Zu An was stunned. Everyone around him was indeed dressed in ancient period costumes, and the quality seemed quite low. It was unlike the beautiful, gaudy costumes he saw on TV. Even more nerve-wracking was the fact that he didn’t see any cameras or cameramen nearby. In fact, he couldn’t see so much as a cell phone anywhere! Nor did he see any telephone lines, cars, or any other traces of the world he lived in.

So I didn’t die? Have I transmigrated into another world? He was a huge fan of webnovels and had read about quite a lot of situations like this, so he actually wasn’t too shocked.

“W-w-what the hell type of freak are you?!” The coroner was so shocked that he had fallen flat onto his back. Lips quivering, he pointed at Zu An as he spoke.

“I’m not a freak, jackass. Can’t you even tell the difference between a person and a corpse? I think you need to find a new day job.” Cough, cough. Smoke continually emitted from his mouth and nostrils as he spoke, and it began to cause him to choke on his words. Most likely, this was an after-effect of being hit by lightning.

Only then did Zu An notice that his own clothes were different from his normal apparel as well, and even his arms and legs were considerably slimmer than his own. Suddenly, a terrifying thought entered his mind. He hurriedly pulled open his pants and glanced downwards… then immediately let out a heart-wrenching shriek of agony.

“Aww, FUUUUUCK!”

Where there originally should’ve been a ‘giant roc’, he now saw a ‘tiny chick’. No man could withstand the mental shock of it all.

Suddenly, the entire area fell silent. The surrounding people hurriedly stepped aside, parting to reveal an opening as they looked off into the distance. Some people nervously lowered their heads, but secretly snuck glances at the new arrivals.

Zu An unconsciously turned to look as well. Finally, he understood why everyone had reacted this way.

A woman dressed in white was slowly walking towards him.

Her eyes were clear, and her skin was snowy-white. Her eyebrows were so beautiful as to look painted-on, and a clear breeze seemed to accompany her every step. Her beautiful black hair fluttered in the wind, and her white dress rustled as well. Her slender, willowy waist was surrounded by a pale blue belt. It all came together to make her look like an ephemeral fairy maiden amidst the clouds.

HOLY SHIT! At this moment, he blamed and hated his own lack of education for rendering him unable to use the proper language to describe such beauty.

He noticed that she was gazing down at him. Somehow, he feebly crawled to his feet. “Hey, hottie. Do you have a boyfriend? If you do, would you consider swapping him out? Or perhaps adding a second one would be better?”

A hint of a displeased look flashed past the white-robed woman’s face. She said coldly, “Nice, Zu An. It’s only been a few hours since our wedding, but you no longer recognize me?

Wu-wu-wuuuh?! Zu An was instantly stunned. So the woman walking towards him, so beautiful she seemed to have stepped out of a portrait, was actually this poor bastard’s wife? Even more shockingly, this poor bastard who had been killed by lightning was also named Zu An?

Right at this moment, a large amount of both foreign-feeling and familiar-feeling information suddenly flooded his mind.

It felt familiar because this world was very similar to that of ancient China, and they shared a similar language and culture. It felt foreign because this was a world of cultivation, a world where people could reach incredible heights of strength, becoming so mighty as to cleave entire seas with their sword or leap past the horizon with a single bound.

It wasn’t exactly the same as the world of the Xianxia cultivation novels he had read. In this world, most of the power was concentrated in the hands of the imperial temple. The more powerful you became, the more power and authority you would receive as well.

This land was known as that of the Zhou Dynasty, and its current emperor was one of the most powerful cultivators in the land.

The Zhou Dynasty was an incomparably flourishing one, and it had lasted far longer than any of ancient China’s dynasties. The princes and kings of the Dynasty were scattered throughout the lands, and below them were the dukes, the marquises, the counts, the viscounts, and the barons. These nobles all had their own fiefdoms and private armies, and they jointly supervised their assigned territory alongside officials appointed by the imperial court.

The city they were currently in, Brightmoon City, was the fiefdom of the Brightmoon Duke, also known as Chu Zhongtian.

His body’s previous owner was also named Zu An. He had been an orphan who an uncle had raised, and was rather well-known in the city as a young ne’er-do-well. He had been untalented in both learning and cultivation, but had incredibly lofty dreams that vastly surpassed his reach. Supposedly, this fatal combination had enraged his uncle so much that the old man had died of anger.

But not too long ago, something happened which shocked everywhere. This wastrel had somehow gained the attention of the ‘princess’ of Brightmoon City, which was to say the eldest daughter of the Brightmoon Duke. He had been summoned to the Chu Estate and had become the duke’s son-in-law.

How could such a useless person be worthy of the noble Chu First Miss, especially considering how surpassingly beautiful she was? Virtually everyone who heard this news thought the same thing: Even I would be a better choice than him!

As for this beautiful white-dressed woman before him? This was the First Miss of the Chu clan, Chu Chuyan.

Thankfully, Zu An managed to think on his feet when faced with her reproving question. Smiling, he reached out to hug her by the waist. “I thought you’d be heart-broken to see me like this, so I thought I’d tell a little joke and break up the tension.”

Since he had apparently been transmigrated into another Zu An in a parallel dimension, then that meant this lady was now his wife! But of course, if she was hideously ugly there was no way he would’ve been so eager to accept her.

Chu Chuyan smoothly turned and stepped aside, avoiding his grasping paws. “Heart-broken? Over you?” Her calm voice held a hint of coldness within it.

Zu An didn’t mind, as he simply assumed she was too shy to behave intimately with him in public. He hurriedly chased after her, wanting to take this opportunity to increase her positive impressions of him.

Unexpectedly, a figure suddenly leapt out and barred his path. Zu An blinked. A young woman dressed in green robes had reached out to bar his path. She had flat bangs, an exquisite coifed ponytail, and was also quite willowy. In fact, her waist was so fiendishly slender that it was without a doubt the most alluring part of her.

Just as Zu An was about to blurt out a few words of appreciation for her attractiveness, she said something which was quite unpleasant to hear. “Have you forgotten your place? You know the rules, get back in line.”

Zu An blinked as he scanned his memories. Ah, right. This young woman was Miss Chu’s personal maidservant, Snow. How dare a serving wench like you speak to her master like this?

Right at this moment, he heard some whispers coming from the bystanders.

“So that’s the eldest daughter of the Chu clan? She really is unspeakably beautiful.”

“Even her maid is gorgeous!”

“So that guy who was hit by lightning really is the cowardly son-in-law of the Chu clan? How the hell did he pull this off?”

“Everyone in the city knows that he’s just mooching off his wife at the Chu clan. Look, even the maid despises him!”

?!?! Cowardly son-in-law?! An odd look was on Zu An’s face. It looked like his previous self wasn’t doing very well in this world. Still, he didn’t mind too much. So what if I’m a lady-moocher? Mooching requires talent as well! All of you guys want to mooch like me, you just don’t have the skills to do so!

Chu Chuyan quickly boarded a carriage. Zu An wanted to follow her inside, but the maidservant Snow gave him a glower from her position in front of the carriage as she denied him entry. The other servants seemed to be accustomed to this, and they immediately began to drive the carriage forward while completely ignoring his presence.

Zu An was starting to feel a little pissed. Look, lady, your husband just got hit by lightning. I’m feeling pretty weak right now. At the very least, you shouldn’t be forcing me to walk back, right? And so, casting caution to the wind, he immediately ran forwards and then moved to seat himself atop Snow’s lap.

Shocked, Snow hurriedly moved to one side. This created an opening, and Zu An immediately scurried into the carriage itself.

The carriage was filled with a faint yet mesmerizing scent. Chu Chuyan was currently reading a book, and she was clearly startled to see him suddenly barge inside. In the past, he had always obediently stayed outside! For a moment, she just stared at him in bewilderment, not knowing what to do.

Just as Zu An was about to speak, he suddenly noticed the name of the book she was holding: [Sweet Pampered Wife: Dominating Sword Immortal’s Ninety-Nine Days of Searching For Love]. He blinked. [1]

A heartbeat later Snow furiously charged inside after him. “Ugh, I swear, you…”

Chu Chuyan hurriedly hid the book inside her sleeves, a tinge of pink suffusing her flawless face. “Forget it, Snow. Just let him stay inside.”

Snow glared at Zu An, then angrily returned to sit outside in front of the carriage.

“Did you… see something just now?” A dangerous light flashed through Chu Chuyan’s eyes.

Zu An hurriedly shook his hands. “I didn’t see a thing!” So this world has pulpy romance fiction? And the names are just as shameless as the sappy romance novels back on Earth. He really didn’t expect that such an icy beauty would also be secretly reading these types of novels.

He could tell, however, that she didn’t believe him. Frightened that she might kill him to cover up her secret, Zu An hurriedly changed the subject. “Sweetheart, have you heard of an ‘Unknowable Region’? Which one is closest to our home?”

A look of shock appeared on Chu Chuyan’s face. “Where did you learn of this phrase, ‘Unknowable Region’?” Outside the carriage, a crafty look flashed through Snow’s eyes as well, but she hurriedly lowered her head to disguise it.

Zu An replied almost unconsciously, “I heard someone mention them.”

“Impossible!” Chu Chuyan frowned. “There’s no way that an ordinary person would’ve even heard of this phrase.”

1. LOL. This sounds very much like a Xianxia version of the female romance webnovels girls like to read these days…

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Hello everyone~
I am the one who's translating this novel at the moment, StarveCleric. I have done quite a few novels before, like The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich, Heaven's Shadow, Library of Heaven's Path, The Records of the Human Emperor, The Beautiful Time With You, Martial God Asura (>4320), Special District 9, Little Tyrant Doesn't Want a Bad End.
The first 11 chapters are done by RWX, and I followed up with him on the chapters afterward.

Anyway, just to set some expectations for this novel
> Comedy
> Ecchi scenes + Harem
> Fairly OP protagonist with a cheat key
> Incredible talk-no-jutsu, just that it makes enemies hate you more instead of converting them into your nakama
> Face slaps
> Weird(?) ways of defeating enemies
> A not very upright protagonist

It's overall a light-hearted novel, but it follows a proper, logical plotline too. Do give it a try to around Chapter 30 (I think), and you'll get a rough assessment of how the novel is like.

I think that's all I have to say for now ~~ Enjoy the novel