Chapter 3: Lightning From Nowhere

Keyboard Immortal

Just as Snow was about to speak, Zu An let out a rapid-fire series of responses. “Just now, I tripped and fell into the pool. Our little sister Snow wanted to save me, but she accidentally slipped and fell in as well. Thankfully, I know a bit of swimming, and was just barely able to save her.”

I have no clue who wants me dead. It’s better to maintain the facade for now, until I figure out what the hell is going on.

Snow’s face turned purple for a long moment, but she couldn’t squeeze out a rebuttal.

“Is that really what happened?” Chu Chuyan glanced at Snow. “You are soaking wet. Go back and get a bath and change your clothes, then come eat with us.”

After saying this, she gracefully drifted off once more. Zu An had to resist the urge to vocalize his inner trolldom. She just floats around in white robes, as though her feet aren’t even touching the ground. If I saw her at night, I’d swear she was a damn ghost.

But, a problem quickly came to his mind. “Snow, where do we go for baths and changes of clothes? Shall we go together?”

“Fuck off!” Snow snapped. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m indecently attired right now, I swear I’d beat this idiot up so bad that his own mother wouldn’t recognize him. She glanced at her snacks scattered across the ground, a look of sorrow in her eyes. She then stamped her feet and ran off.

Fortunately, Chu Chuyan sent a manservant to help guide the way for Zu An. He was brought to a room where he bathed and changed his clothes. Now finally clean, Zu An stared at himself in the mirror. He looked 80% similar to how he did in his past life, with the main difference being that he was now much skinnier. Still, overall he was quite satisfied. “Still a handsome devil. I might not be a match for Pan An, but I’m still a smidgen better than Ximen Qing.” [1]

He had been rather looking forward to sharing a meal with his freebie wife, but in the end she didn’t show up at all. She just had some servants deliver the food to him.

“What the hell, man. Am I a prisoner or something?” Zu An suddenly realized that the position of a drafted son-in-law was even lower than he had imagined. Judging from what had just happened, he wasn’t even worthy of joining them at the table for meals!

“I refuse to eat alms like a beggar!” Zu An had no idea why the previous him was willing to endure such insults. He pushed the dishes to the side in a huff… but a short while later, his stomach suddenly started to grumble, while the dishes continued to send delicious fragrant scents towards him.

Zu An frowned. In the end, he decided that real men knew when to bend the knee and when to stand tall. He pulled all the dishes back, then quickly swept through them like a storm. I gotta say, the chef’s dishes are pretty damn good.

After eating, Zu An felt much more comfortable. He began to ponder how he was supposed to survive in this world.

He rummaged through the room to find some paper, then wrote at the top: ‘Tips for Surviving Transmigration’.

His mind slowly became filled with all the various bits of information he had seen in the webnovels he had enjoyed in the past… then begin to fantasy about having a computer… what it felt like to play mobile games on his iPhone… the joy of trolling the shit out of people on internet forums…

Time passed. Before he knew it, the sky had turned dark. Wait a second. What was I planning to do earlier? He stared at the completely empty draft, his eyelids twitching, then curled it up into a ball and tossed it away. I’ll go outside for a stroll. Let’s see if I can learn anything about this world.

Clearly, the previous him had lived a miserable life in this world. I am by nature a kind and helpful person. I need to help the dead guy get his own back and raise his status.

Although he wasn’t too familiar with the layout of this area, his gift of the gab allowed him to quickly learn from the servants the location of Chu Chuyan’s residence. Upon arriving outside, he heard Snow’s voice coming from within: “Miss, do you want to eat some sunflower seeds?”

“No need. You shouldn’t eat so many either; I heard that if you eat too many of them, they’ll crack your teeth.”

“You’re scaring me again, Miss! Which reminds me. That guy’s behaving increasingly unruly. He used to be fine, but he seemed… off, today.”

“Yes, I also had the feeling that something changed today.” Chu Chuyan assented. Just as Zu An was growing a bit nervous, he heard her continue: “Maybe it’s because he was hit by lightning. It broke his brain, maybe?”

Zu An was speechless. Snow, however, was rolling with laughter. A long while later, she stopped laughing and let out a snort. “Miss, why haven’t you blamed him for what happened last night?”

Chu Chuyan said calmly, “The events of last night were quite bizarre. Tomorrow, I’ll discuss it with Mother and Father before coming to a decision.”

Zu An was quite delighted upon hearing this. It seems my freebie wife is quite clever. It seems I won’t have to employ too many of those tired old tropes I saw in the tv series.

“You’re letting that guy off too easy,” Snow muttered. “Why didn’t the lightning just kill him? That way, Miss, you wouldn’t have to waste your time with that piece of trash.”

Chu Chuyan rebuked, “Don’t say such things in the future.”

For some reason, perhaps because Chu Chuyan had yet to even mention what had happened by the pool, Zu An started to suspect that perhaps his freebie wife had nothing to do with the scheme against him. Wait. The hotter a woman is, the better she is at lying. I can’t let my guard down.

Still, Zu An was starting to grow angry as he continued to hear Snow prattle on and on with insulting words about him. Enough is enough! He kicked the door open.

Chu Chuyan was rather startled when she saw him arrive. “Why are you here?”

“It’s dark, and I have nothing that needs doing. I’m going to bed, of course.” Zu An gave Snow a hard glare. I need to find out where they sell some voice-stealing medicines and force-feed them to her. We’ll see how you’ll talk shit about me then!

Chu Chuyan’s face sank. “Then why have you come here?”

“Isn’t it natural for husband and wife to sleep together?” Zu An replied in a natural manner as he began to walk towards the bedroom.

“EEEEEEEP!” A miserable cry could be heard as Zu An was unceremoniously kicked outside the room.

Delighting in his misfortune, Snow said, “Jackass Zu, why don’t you take a piss on the ground then stare at your own reflection in it? You seem to have forgotten who you are, if you think you can get close to our young mistress!”

But, contrary to her expectations, an amused smile was on Zu An’s face rather than shame or rage.

As I expected. Judging from their earlier interactions, Zu An was fairly certain that they had never consummated their marriage. His trip here was just to test this theory out. The confirmation he had just received made him happy, not angry; it meant that he could start from scratch with this freebie wife of his.

“Did that bolt of lightning really break your brains?” Snow continued to feel that something was off. He simply wasn’t reacting the way she expected, and this made her mood less good than it should’ve been.

Zu An also realized that his reaction seemed a bit off. He hurriedly wiped the smile off his face and put on an aggrieved, heartbroken look. “Such injustice! I’ve never heard of a wife who refuses to sleep with her husband!”

“Shut your mouth!” Chu Chuyan’s face finally reddened. She waved her sleeves, shutting the door behind him. She wanted to avoid everyone in the area hearing his miserable howls and wails.

Zu An continued to shamelessly complain and whine. “If you don’t want to sleep with me, then why did you marry me? Tomorrow, I’m going to run into the streets and stir up a real commotion. I’ll set up a troop of drummers and everything and tell everyone the truth! We’ll see if the Chu clan loses face, or if I do.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” Chu Chuyan rose to her feet, an ineffable aura of power emanating from her.

Zu An sniffed. “Why wouldn’t I? My reputation is already thoroughly wrecked anyhow. Besides, this is the end result you want, right? To let all the other rich young masters know that you are pure and unsullied…”

Chu Chuyan took a deep breath, then stared daggers at Zu An. “So you really want to sleep with me?”

“Hell yeah I do!” Zu An said excitedly. What was wrong with this silly girl? Of course I do! He wasn’t going to pass up such a good opportunity. As Eileen Chang once wrote, the best way to a woman’s heart was through her… ahem. Anyhow, once the rice became cooked, there would be no way to uncook it. [2]

Chu Chuyan said calmly, “Then I’ll let Snow accompany you tonight.”

Snow had been watching gleefully from the side while eating melon seeds. What the fu.. “But Miss!” The seeds instantly lost all flavor.

Chu Chuyan glanced at her, a look of amusement in her gaze. “When he saved your life today, he already touched everything there is to touch. Besides, this is part of the responsibilities of any live-in maidservant. Are you unwilling?”

Snow met her gaze. She always means what she says. Snow shivered, not daring to reply. She just tightly bit her lips, tears beginning to appear in her eyes.

Zu An simply stood there, stupefied. What nonsense was this? Shoving another woman into your own husband’s bed? Then again, Snow tried to kill me during the day. Let’s play along see what exactly the relationship is between the two of them. And so he immediately sat down on the bed. “My dear Snow, come hither and help me disrobe.”

The distant Chu Chuyan wrinkled her brows slightly. This fellow was vastly more shameless than she had imagined.

Snow cast Chu Chuyan a pitiable glance, but the young mistress just ignored her and picked up a book to read. If Zu An was standing behind Chu Chuyan, he would’ve immediately recognized this book as the romance novel he had noticed her reading earlier.

Upon seeing the young mistress completely ignore her, Snow finally gave into despair. She unwilling walked forward, and cast Zu An a vicious stare. Pumping herself up, she muttered, “Get on with it, if you must! I’ll just think of it as being bitten by a dog.” At the same time, a murderous, struggling look flickered in her eyes. She reached out to touch a slender needle hidden within her hair.

Right at this moment, Chu Chuyan raised her head from the book she had been ‘reading’. She stared towards Snow, a reflective look in her eyes.

Even Zu An was feeling rather queasy. I just wanted to play along and see what you guys are up to, but… hell, now I dunno. Should I go beast-mode or not?

After a long moment, he finally made up his mind. Screw it. If you women aren’t embarrassed by it, why the hell should I be? Y’all want to play games? Fine, I’ll play until the game ends. Let’s see who breaks first! Now that his mind was settled, he grinned lecherously as he pounced atop Snow.

A long while later, an agonized howl rang out from the bedsheets.

“NO FUCKIN’ WAY!”

Zu An was staring down at his privates in utter disbelief. He was so motionless, he might as well have been a statue. Chu Chuyan turned to glance at him, but then quickly cast her gaze aside, her face reddened. At the same time, a hint of unexpected pity could be seen in her eyes.

Snow, who felt as though she had just been granted a reprieve from execution, wasn’t so kind. She put away her hidden weapons while putting her clothes back out, then let out a series of mocking quips. “In the past, I thought that you were just a completely useless man… but now, I realize that I still thought too highly of you! So you aren’t even a man at all! Ahahahaha, oh my god, I’m going to die laughing.”

Zu An didn’t even have the presence of mind to argue with her. His eyes were filled with tears, and he turned and slowly left the room, his footsteps feeling incredibly heavy. This blow was simply too heavy for him. He was confident he could deal with any other problems, but… if he suffered from total erectile dysfunction, what was the point of it all?! His life’s goal wasn’t to become Sima Qian! [3]

After walking for some time, he just so happened to walk past a crooked tree. He mechanically took off his belt, then hung it around a branch on the tree. He had decided to just end it all. Who knows, maybe if I die I’ll transmigrate back to my own world.

But right at this moment, an ancient, hoarse voice suddenly rang out by his ears. “Your privates have simply been affected by a very special sealing spell. It isn’t completely hopeless.”

Zu An turned to look, only to see a stooped old man standing by his side, carrying a hoe. The old man’s face was covered with countless wrinkles, and he seemed so scrawny and tottering that a strong wind could blow him down.

More memories began to drift into his mind. He vaguely remembered that this old man was their servant who was responsible for keeping the flower gardens clean. The old man rarely spoke and always kept to himself, and was either ignored or bullied by everyone in the estate. Everyone just referred to him as ‘Old Mi’.

The past owner of Zu An’s body had sympathized with Old Mi, as they were similarly looked down upon, and so had secretly given him some desserts before. This was why the current Zu An had some vague memories of him.

However, none of that mattered to Zu An. The only thing that mattered was what he had just said. “Sealed? Who put a sealing spell on me?” Could it be Chu Chuyan? But judging from her behavior, it doesn’t seem like that.

Old Mi shook his head. “I don’t know either. I imagine it was placed on you when you were very young.”

“Elder, do you know a way to unseal it?” Zu An eagerly grabbed the old man by the arm. After having read so many webnovels, he knew that this could be no ordinary old man. Countless possibilities suddenly flooded his mind. I KNOW this trope! He must be a retired badass grandpa who, for various reasons, had to discard his former fame and secrete himself within the Chu clan as an ordinary gardener.

He was going to latch onto this person firmly! There was no way he was going to let this opportunity go to waste!

1. These are legendary playboys in Chinese history, their names are used sort of like how we would say Casanova or Adonis.

2. Eileen Chang was a Chinese American author who wrote many famous novels like ‘Lust, Caution’.

3. Sima Qian is considered to be China’s foremost historian. He offended the emperor but in lieu of the death penalty, chose to let himself to become a eunuch so that he could complete his great ambitions of writing a full history of pre-Han dynasty China.

Previous Chapter Next Chapter