Chapter 91 Remembrance: All That I Want

Transmigration: Of Mysteries and Songs

Before Zhang Xin left the tent, Feng Luodi voiced a doubt that had been in her head for the past few days. "General Zhang, do you know about the cooperation between Situ and the Crown Prince of Xianbei?"

"Of course." Zhang Xin saw no reason to hide it from Feng Luodi, knowing that Situ trusts her completely as well. "What will you like to know, Miss Feng?"

"Why did Situ choose to join forces with the Xianbei?" Feng Luodi was perplexed. "Is it only because of his personal relationship with the Crown Prince?"

Zhang Xin smiled and shook his head. "That is only a small part of the reason. Situ is not one to let his emotions guide his actions, especially when these things may affect the future. He chose to help the Crown Prince because of an agreement between the two of them. Or, more specifically, between him and the future King of the Xianbei."

"What agreement are you talking about?"

"Xianbei will not join forces with the other countries to attack the Xuan kingdom, so long as the Crown Prince is King. Out of all the neighboring kingdoms, the Xianbei is the closest to Yunzhong Pass, and hence poses a great threat to our lands."

"But I'm sure that the other kingdoms will not just sit by and let the alliance form so easily."

"You're correct. However, both the Fuyu and Sushen's militaries are weaker than that of the Xianbei, while the military of the Huns is stronger than that of the Xianbei. If the other three kingdoms form an alliance, Xianbei will have no choice but to seek our protection."

Feng Luodi was amazed. "That is a great way to balance out the powers in the North indeed."

"Situ is the one who came up with it." Whenever Zhang Xin spoke of Situ, his eyes shone with admiration. "We were all in awe when we first heard the plan; a plan which he executed perfectly."

"Perfectly indeed." Feng Luodi smiled.

"Well, I'd best check on the kid now. My apologies for disturbing you, Miss Feng." Zhang Xin took his leave.

"No worries, General Zhang." Feng Luodi curtsied.

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"General Situ, you're returning to Chang'an?" Zuo Lang's eyes were wide open in shock when he heard that Situ was due to return in a few days.

Situ nodded. "Just follow Zhang Xin's orders. You're more suited for the North."

Zuo Lang swallowed his next words. But I want to go to Chang'an with you…perhaps it's better if I go when I'm a better fighter.

"Don't worry, Situ. When you come back to the North again, this kid will definitely be a changed man!" Zhang Xin grinned, enveloping Zuo Lang in a bear hug.

Feng Luodi knew that they were due to return to Chang'an soon. The letters from her mother, from Qi Jianqiu, and from Jiang Moyin came with greater frequency and urgency than ever. I'd come here in the winter, and it'll be spring when I return. What a long trip this has been.

She lifted her tent and walked out, surprised to see Situ reclining on his bed, clutching a report in one hand. When did he come in? I didn't hear anything at all!

"Done packing?" Situ set down his report and pointed at a chair beside him, indicating for her to take a seat.

Feng Luodi took a few steps towards him but stopped herself.

"Situ." She looked into his eyes. "Tell the Covert Guard to stand down."

Situ stood up. "Why? Quattor is there to protect you."

Feng Luodi shook her head. "I don't need any protection."

"You're a smart girl, and you should know your current situation." Situ frowned. "Chang'an is a chaotic place and you've already established yourself as a potential target because of your relationships with the few of us."

"I understand that, and I will take care of myself." Feng Luodi stood firm. "Situ, do you know the difference between protection and surveillance? What exactly is Quattor's purpose around me?"

Situ's gaze was foreboding. "Why are you throwing a tantrum? Is it because of the issue with the Crown Prince? I've explained that to you already!"

"Why will I be upset over something as trivial as that?" Feng Luodi shook her head. "I don't like to be supervised."

"He's protecting you!"

"Whatever it is, I don't like it." Feng Luodi backed away from him. "He can protect you instead."

"What if I say no?" His chest tightened.

Feng Luodi shook her head. "You wouldn't disappoint me, Situ."

"Do you know me very well?" Situ walked closer to her.

Feng Luodi tried to back away from him even more, but found her back pressed to the wall of the tent.

"Situ?" Feng Luodi felt slightly intimidated by the man before her.

Situ stared long into her eyes and sighed. "I lost." Feng Luodi barely registered the words when she saw his shadow towering over her. The next thing she knew, his lips were pressed against hers.

Her eyes widened in shock, and she shoved hard against him.

"What do you think you're doing?" Feng Luodi glared at him, wiping her lips with a hand.

Her action angered Situ. "What are you doing!"

"That is my question." Feng Luodi felt anger bubbling up within her. "Don't force yourself on me."

"I'm forcing myself on you?" Situ repeated her words, but his voice softened when he saw her teary eyes.

Silence ensued.

Finally, Situ spoke up. "Marry me, Luodi. I swear that you will be my only wife for eternity."

Feng Luodi froze. Have his feelings for me already reached this stage?

Situ continued. "I will take care of everything. All you have to do is to nod."

But I have to be selfish.

Feng Luodi shook her head, trying to stop her tears from falling. "No."

Situ was stunned by the reply. "Do you have no feelings for me at all?" He clenched his fists.

"No." It took all she had to say that word. My heart hurts…I can barely breathe. "I've always seen you as a good friend. That's all."

"Then why didn't you push me away when I kissed you that day?" Situ was certain that the woman before him was lying.

"I was drunk, too drunk to push you away." Feng Luodi tried to steady her quavering voice.

"Then why did you agree to stay in my tent?" Situ did not give up.

"It was more convenient for me, to be away from the rest of the troops." She tried to steady herself, holding onto a bookshelf.

"What about coming to the North?" Situ felt a chill in his heart. I guess this is what they mean by the phrase 'heart turned cold'. I never thought the day that I will use this phrase will come. "Don't tell me that you're here for the sights."

It is indeed an excuse. Feng Luodi looked at the man in front of her. I'd just wanted to make more memories, memories that I can look back upon when I return to the 21st Century. But there's no way I can tell that to him.

"It's the truth. I've always said that I'd like to explore the world, didn't I? It's a very simple reason." She feigned a nonchalant shrug. I can't tell him the truth. I can't! If I give in to my desires this time, I won't be able to stop myself from loving him anymore!

They looked at each other, and it felt as if an eternity had passed.

Why does she look like she's about to collapse? Why does she look like she's about to cry at any moment? Is she hiding something from me? Can I believe that to make me feel better? Is that why she acts so weirdly at times?

Or is it really as she says? Does she really see me as nothing more than a good friend? If it is her…it might be possible indeed. She isn't the kind to take into consideration a person's status when forming a bond with them.

If that is indeed the case, is this…unrequited love?

Situ never once thought that he'd be burdened by such romantic feelings in his life. He never knew that the day would come where he is unable to control the situation he is in. To be so helpless…

Feng Luodi saw through the front Situ had put up, and into the recesses of his heart where his pain and confusion resided. She felt her heart squeeze, so much that she could not breathe anymore. Her tears fell freely now. What have I done?

"Cough! Cough!" She coughed loudly. She felt as if her soul was bursting out of her body, but the earthly restraints of her body held it back down.

Situ saw her pain and quickly helped her back into her tent. "Just ignore whatever I'd said just now. Don't force yourself." I never once thought that I'd say something like that one day. But how can I bear to let my love suffer?

Feng Luodi felt herself laugh through her tears. "I'm a very selfish person, Situ. Can we just be good friends?"

He looked at her tearstained face. How can I say no to her? But…how can I say yes?

"I won't bring it up again, I promise. Rest well for the night. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow." Her tears fell again, but he did not reach to wipe it away for her.

It was a sleepless night for the both of them.

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