Chapter 5: Screwy Rewards

Keyboard Immortal

Zu An: “What the actual fu-…” For some reason, he felt sure that the system was laughing at him! Right at this moment, a new line of words appeared on the screen next to the ball of steel wool. Not giving up hope, he leaned over to read it.

Heiress Ball of Delights: Legends say that this artifact is capable of granting rich women incredibly joy and unspeakable delight. Alas, behind this great joy was once the tremendous suffering and agony endured by countless boytoys. Thus, a particularly clever boytoy devised this item to protect himself.

Artifact Effect: After using this artifact, any agony inflicted upon you by a woman with more money than you is transformed into sheer bliss. Warning – this artifact will not actually lower the amount of damage you take. However, your life will be locked to your last drop of health when a rich woman inflicts otherwise-lethal damage to you.

Do you wish to store this item into your item bar? You can use it when you wish by hitting the ‘Q’ key.

Oh god, stop fucking with me! Zu An stared at the now-materialized ball of steel wool in his hand. He was tempted to hurl it to the ground. What the hell is this thing good for? It’s almost completely useless, AND it comes with a bunch of prerequisite conditions. I’m not gonna becoming some rich lady’s boytoy. How the hell am I supposed to use this?

Stone-faced, Zu An stored the ball of steel wool into his item bar. He then ran over to the basin and washed his face again. Still not convinced that he’d washed the bad luck away, he then washed his hands a few extra times also. Only then did he finally choose to draw his third reward.

The ball of light once more more began to flicker across the keyboard as Zu An watched tensely. “Please don’t be the space bar. Please don’t be the Q key…”

Finally, the ball of light came to a halt atop the ‘B’ key. An icy voice once more rang out by his ears. “Congratulations on winning the ‘Poisonous Prick’!”

Zu An: “?!?!” He nearly spat out a mouthful of blood. This keyboard is absolutely lewd. What the hell type of reward is this? It wasn’t until he saw the image of a pitch-black dagger appear on the screen that he knew that it was his own thoughts that were lewd. [1]

Poisonous Prick: Once, there was a person who nervously licked this dagger just as victory was within his grasp. And then, he died. Before he died, the last thing he said was ‘poisonous prick’!

Artifact Effect: This is a cursed dagger. Anyone injured by this dagger will immediately perish.

Finally, Zu An let out a sigh of relief. Although its name was a little bit odd, in practice it was essentially an incredibly powerful weapon. The main problem for right now was that he still had to manage to first injure his foe with it.

After having seen how powerful Snow and Chu Chuyan were, he knew that he probably wouldn’t be able to even touch them in a real fight, much less actually injure them. Mm. I better keep it low-key for now. Sneak attacks are the name of the game! In ‘Duke of Mount Deer’, Wei Xiaobao was able to use one sharp dagger to win the love of seven beautiful ladies. I’m sure I’ll be able to use mine to win at least seventy.

Wait a sec. Zu An blinked. If I accidentally scratch myself with it, will I die? He stared at the shiny dagger in his hand. For some reason, he had the urge to try it out. However, in the end he squashed the thought of using himself as a guinea pig. That’d be a dumb way to die.

Zu An hurriedly tried to make another lottery drawing, but alas… no matter what he did, the system didn’t respond. The only thing he saw were the words, Not Enough Rage Points.

“Trolling for rage? That’s easy!” Zu An stroked his chin as his mind turned towards Snow. Then, he suddenly began to cackle. Eeep. I’m laughing like I’m the villain in this story. But he couldn’t help it!

Alas, now that he was thinking about Snow, he couldn’t help but think about the embarrassing events of tonight. His face began to twitch, and his joy at acquiring a priceless treasure instantly vanished. His first and foremost priority was to repair his little mini-me.

Wait a second. I think the [Phoenix Nirvana Sutra] was sucked into the keyboard? Zu An’s face instantly turned ashen. Was he really destined to be a eunuch in the future? He hurriedly turned to stare at the keyboard, only to see that only the F2 key remained lit. He pressed down on it, and some words appeared on the screen: Do you wish to train in the [Phoenix Nirvana Sutra]? Y/N.

He hurriedly pressed ‘yes’, only to see specks of golden light float out from the F2 key and scatter over him. He felt a warm and incredibly comfortable sensation pervade his body.

Instant max level! C’mon, instant max level! Zu An chanted repeatedly. After a while, the golden light finally dissipated. He opened his eyes. The air seemed a little sweeter and fresher, and the world itself seemed to have changed. Time to test this sucker out. He delivered a full-force punch against a nearby rock.

“OWOWOWOWOW!” Zu An nursed his hand, tears threatening to spill down his face. Nothing changed at all! Wait. That’s not true. His skin was now covered with nine incomparably complex rune-formations. Each formation was empty in the middle, and the nine were scattered throughout his body but were connected to each other by lines.

A moment later, these formations slowed dimmed and vanished within his skin. Just as Zu An was about to panic, he saw the runes once more flicker inside his body.

“What the hell are these things?” Zu An noticed that there were some strange golden things hidden within the center of the lower-most formation inside his body. He suddenly remembered what the mysterious old man had said about this technique, and its unique points. He lowered his head, staring at his bloody fist. Suddenly, it all made sense.

This bullshit technique really does require sustaining injuries to level up. He had played pleeenty of video games in his past life, and so he quickly recognized that the keyboard had simplified the way in which skills were acquired. All he had to do was fill up each formation with that golden stuff, and he would probably be able to level up.

As for the golden stuff? Clearly, he could only acquire it by getting beat up.

Well, if it’s for the sake of mini-me… ahem, for my pride and joy! Even though this is a bullshit technique, I’ll still train in it. Zu An gritted his teeth and delivered yet another punch towards the stone wall. This time, however, the amount of golden stuff in the formation didn’t perceptibly change, even though the amount of pain he felt wasn’t lessened. Zu An stared at his fists.

By now, he more-or-less knew what was going on. Unlike his first punch, he was already mentally prepared for what would happen and so his mind had unconsciously protected his body by causing him to hold back. As a result, the benefits were clearly much less.

So I can’t even train using self-flagellation? Looks like the only choice is for someone else to beat me up. But who? God fucking DAMMIT! The more he thought about it, the more ridiculous it seemed and the angrier he became.

Right at this moment, he suddenly noticed a rat scrounging for food near his foot. He couldn’t help but feel even angrier. My life really sucks. Living in this crappy place is one thing, but living in a warren of rats?! He delivered a flying kick to the rat, sending it flying through the window. Just as he was admiring his awesome soccer skills, someone suddenly kicked the door open.

“Did you throw this rat?!” A crisp voice rang out, followed by a young lady stepping through the doorway. She was short and slender, her lips red and her teeth white. Her hair was short but neatly cut, and her bangs just barely reached her eyes. If it wasn’t for the fact that she was holding a rat in her hands, Zu An would’ve called her an adorable little beauty.

Squeak! Squeak! The rat chirped and struggled unceasingly. Zu An warned, “Careful, the rat might bite you.”

“It’s not like I’m afraid of these things,” the young woman said, then suddenly clenched her hand. The rat let out one final miserable shriek, then fell completely limp.

Gulp. Zu An swallowed, hard. Is this really a girl? He watched as the young woman tossed the rat corpse to the side, then wiped her hand disdainfully on her dress.

Finally, the girl stared icily at him. “I have no idea what in the world my big sister was thinking. She brought you back, but she didn’t punish you?”

Zu An could hear a chewing sound coming from outside. Just as he was about to ask about it, he heard her words and felt shocked. “Uh, big sister?”

Only then did he notice that she looked rather similar to Chu Chuyan. However, she was clearly much younger. Most likely, this was the Second Miss of the Chu clan, Chu Huanzhao. His memories had slowly merged with his host body’s, and he was now aware of many more things. The only thing he didn’t understand was why the Chu clan had given the Second Miss such an ugly name. [2]

The young woman before him was dressed in skin-tight leathers that only accentuated her slender waist and her perk bottom. A leather whip was fastened to her waist. She looks like one hot little pepper. She looks completely different from her ice-cold big sister. They came from the same mother, so why are they so diametrically different?

“What the hell are you staring at you, you dog?” Chu Huanzhao was already very unhappy with him, and upon seeing him eye her with his beady little eyes, she instantly grew even more vexed.

You have successfully trolled Chu Huanzhao for +10 Rage!

Zu An noticed that the ‘rage counter’ above his keyboard had changed from ‘0’ to ‘10’. He felt overjoyed. This girl seems to have a terrible temper. I’d be shortchanging myself if I didn’t seize this chance to earn some more Rage points.

His eyes spun in his head as he came up with a plan. “Honestly, I have a question I have to ask you. Your big sister has a very pretty name, ‘Chuyan’. Why did they give you such an ugly name, ‘Counterattack’?”

You have successfully trolled Chu Huanzhao for +666 Rage!

Zu An was badly frightened. That’s… a pretty extreme amount of rage.

Chu Huanzhao’s eyes and face reddened with fury. “Pagh! ‘Chuyan’ was the name she gave herself! Her real name was ‘Zhaodi’!”[3]

Zhaodi?! A strange look appeared on Zu An’s face as he tried (and failed) to equate his elegant, white-robed freebie wife gracefully drifting about like a fairy Immortal, yet having such a vulgar name.

Zhaodi? Huanzhao? Wait a sec, I seem to recall that the eldest son is named ‘Youzhao’?

“Are you mocking me?” Chu Huanzhao interrupted his musings.

“No, no!” He could sense fiery sparks within her eyes, and so he hastily denied it. “Oh, right. So why don’t you just change your name also?”

You have successfully trolled Chu Huanzhao for +199 Rage!

“I WANT to, but my parents won’t let me, nor will my sister! Hmph. She was able to change her name, and now she doesn’t give a damn about others.” When the young woman recalled how she had been mocked all her life by her classmates, she couldn’t help but reveal a look of grief and rage.

“W-wait a sec!” Chu Huanzhao suddenly remembered. “Stop trying to make friends with me. I’ve come to get a reckoning for last night!”

Zu An was happily counting all the rage he had just accumulated. By now, he had 875 Rage points, enough to draw eight prizes! This time, I have to get something better than the useless crap I drew last time, right? And so he subconsciously gave a rather uncaring reply. “Oh, I’m sure what happened last night was just a misunderstanding.”

“You climbed into my bed. How is that a misunderstanding?” Chu Huanzhao smiled coldly.

You have successfully trolled Chu Huanzhao for +10 Rage!

Huh. Why isn’t there more Rage? Clearly, she has a lot of issues about her name in particular.

Zu An waved his hands. “Then why didn’t you stop me? You could’ve called for guards or something!”

“I…” Chu Huanzhao’s pale face instantly turned beet-red. “I don’t know what happened either. I think I was asleep.”

“Well, and I was drunk. I don’t know how I ended up in your room. Honestly, I’m sure something strange is afoot.” For now, Zu An cast aside the notion of accumulating more Rage. The most important task at hand was to pacify this little hell-brat. I wonder if she knows martial arts. Young people tended to not know their own strength and didn’t know when to hold back. If she accidentally killed him, he wouldn’t even have the chance to go cry.

“Are you suggesting that I perhaps dragged you into my room?” Chu Huanzhao grinned coldly. “As the saying goes, wine is the middleman for lust. You could’ve gone anywhere after you got drunk, but you just so happened to choose my bed. This is proof that you normally are lusting after my body!”

Zu An stared at her completely flat chest, then let out a long sigh. “You are a kid. How could I have lewd thoughts about you? If I really did have lewd thoughts, I would’ve headed to your sister’s room.”

Chu Huanzhao instantly exploded. “I’m a GROWNUP, ok? Sometimes, I even help manage some of the family business! I’m not like you, you trash! All you do is eat and sleep. How dare you talk down to me?!”

You have successfully trolled Chu Huanzhao for +99 Rage!

Zu An secretly chortled. Clearly, no matter what world you were in, the thing which young adults hated the most was others treating them like little kids.

“You know, if you keep glaring and huffing and puffing like that, nobody would ever have the guts to get married to you in the future. Honestly, you should try and act a bit more womanly. Maybe try your hand at needlework and some more lady-like skills?” Zu An spoke in a heartfelt, meaningful manner as he looked at her, his eyes filled with warmth and kindness. “Be a good girl, now. This is all for your own good.”

Although he was a bit worried about being beaten to death, he just couldn’t help himself when he thought about all the potential Rage points at stake!

“AHHHHHHH!” Chu Huanzhao felt as though she was about to go crazy. What the hell is wrong with his bastard? Why’s he lecturing me as though he was one of my elders?

You have successfully trolled Chu Huanzhao for +33 Rage!

+33 Rage! +33 Rage! +33 Rage! …

Zu An nearly chortled aloud as he watched his Rage points begin to skyrocket. This little girl is so easily provoked. It probably wouldn’t be this easy farming points off of that icy wife of mine.

“Do you want to beat me up? Don’t forget that I’m your brother-in-law! If you abuse your elders, the heavens will punish you with lightning!” Zu An started to get a little anxious. He could tell that the young lady was so hopping mad, steam was about to rise from the top of her head. If she got any angrier, she’ll probably lose all her hair and go bald.

But then again… it wouldn’t really matter too much if she really did attack him. She had short arms and short legs. It probably wouldn’t be too dangerous if such a pretty young lady actually did pound her arms against his chest. In fact, maybe it would help him break through to the next level of his technique!

You have successfully trolled Chu Huanzhao for +55 Rage!

Before Zu An had the chance to feel happy with himself, he felt an enormous surge of power blast towards his chest. He vomited out a mouthful of blood while falling backwards onto the bed.

Chu Huanzhao retracted her fist, then let out a disdainful sneer. “Y’know, for a moment there I actually thought you might have some real skills, given how hard you were trying to piss me off. Pagh! You are as weak as a chicken!”

1. Gawd, I have to explain here. In the original Chinese, the name of the item is ‘dagger with poison inside’, but the author chose to use a character for dagger that is a homophone for, uh, female private parts. Ahem. Doesn’t really work in English, so I flipped it to ‘Prick’. I did my best, but it’s legitimately funnier in Chinese. And lewd. Very lewd.

2. Huanzhao literally means ‘Counterattack’.

3. Zhaodi literally means ‘summoning your sister-in-law’

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